|תיקון: מרבית הנוצרים והמוסלמים בימינו הם חילוניים, במידה כזו או אחרת.
yap, but Christianity says lots of bullshit about the nature of the world, so people accepting the modern discoveries of science have a hard time accepting the pope's occasional patches to the Christian dogma.
As for Dutch muslims, they certainly have to make comprimises if they want to get drunk and stoned with you in Amsterdam.
To conclude my chain of meetings with the future Arab leadership, I bought wonderful Labanese pitot at the vegetable store just outside the Ubahn on the way home. I felt a bit like a niger buying crack at the local pizzeria, but my addiction to humus does not harm my short memory.
How are you, my dear Gilad? Would you like to meet in Prague? I have a place for both of us, just mail me if you catch an easyjet or another last minute deal.
בינתיים, בין השערות על התמסטלות והשתכרות באמסטרדאם עם מוסלמים הולנדיים, ובין צפייה במלחמות שוורים בספרד עם אינקוויזיטורים ספרדיים - קוראי האייל בטח היו מתפלאים לשמוע על אורח החיים הזעיר-בורגני והמשעמם שלי.
אולי תחבר לי איזו רשימה על פגמי כל מקום ומקום ברחבי הגלובוס, בהתבסס על הניסיון שלך מהקיץ הזה, כך שאוכל לבחור על דרך השלילה את המקום הפחות-עלוב ביותר?
ונחזור לנושא. גם היהדות אומרת הרבה שטויות על טבע העולם - זה לא מפריע לה, וגם לא לנצרות הקתולית, לסתור את עצמה כל כמה מאות (או עשרות) שנים כדי להתאים את התיאוריה למציאות.
את השאר אני אשמור לדוא"ל.
Good morning Gilad,
I'm sad to hear you're stuck with us. I'll do my best to entertain you as long as my exams are not too near. For a start, I invite you and all the Ayal herd to my return party next week. Since the editorial hates our invitations and we certainly don't want another FAZ to come to life now, I will only say it will take place at my big empty house on the eastern coast of Herzliya airport, and is currently scheduled to the night of September 22nd and the whole day afterwards. It might be postponed to the 24-25th, though I have a demonic exam on the 29th so I'm afraid that's all I can afford, but you're all invited. Send me an email for exact details.
Anyways, your request is a bit strange to me as I sent you a similar list on Yom Kippur. So for a start I will paste it below, and thank you for preparing me the ball for the spike (heramta li lehanhata, as we say in volleyball). Cheers...
**** Pastery - Subject: I Love Denmark ****
Yes folks, your Judeo-Nazi mate has fell in love with the Danish crown,
and would now use Karine's lovely computer in Stokholm to explain you why
Denmark is absolutely the best place in the world (for a lazy Israeli
physicist at least). Well, let the bone dry facts speak for themselves:
BECAUSE they're not as poor as the Portugeuse, or Catholic like the
Spanish, or lunatic like the French, fragile like the Belgians or Greedy
like the Swiss. It's not obsolete like Lichtenstein, stagnate like Monaco,
pathetic like Luxemburg, expensive like England or exotic like Iceland.
They're not as antipathic as the Irish or pale white as the Scottish, nor
too as stoned as the Dutch or too drunk like the Deutch. They're not
conservative like Austrians (Bavarians) or nationalistic like the
Hungarians (Magyars), nor are they impulsive like the Italians,
bloodthirsty like the Bosnians, criminal like the Albans or opinionated
like the Greek.
And because it's not corrupt like Turkey, insignificant like Bulgaria,
racist like Ukraine or hopeless like Mongolia. Because they're not
demotivated like the Croats, bizarre like the gypsies, stinky like the
Georgeans or canibal like the Siberians. Because in Denmark you can't lose
your joy of life like in Russia, your job like in Romania, your finger in
Armenia or your limbs in Chechnia. Because it's more efficient than
Poland, warmer than Finland, closer to civilisation than Australia, more
mature than Israel, not primitive like Egypt, fascist like Syria or
fragmented like Lebanon. They're not suicidal like the Palestenians, cruel
like the Iraqis, violent like the Hashemite bedouines or careless like the
Because it's not artificial like Taiwan, agressive like the USA, redundant
like Canada or miserable like Argentina. Because Mexico is too hot,
Colmobia is too humid, Aquador is too low in oxygen and good luck studying
in Madgascar. Because there's chaos in Bolivia, CIA puppets in Paraguay,
drug barons in Aurugway and AIDS in Brazil. Because Tibet is occupied,
South Corea is terrified, Yemen is swarming with thieves and Cambodia with
land mines. Because the Japanese are workoholics whereas the Cubans
wouldn't work, and living in Nepal is exhaustive enough without doing any
The Algerians still massacre each other and nothing good ever came out of
the Baltic republics. In Zimbabowe you'll be lucky if you're fifty, 15
year old soldiers feed the endless war between Ethiopea and Erithrea, no
chance for high studies in Sudan.
The Carrebean islands are nothing but tax refuges, Tivoli exists merely
for the .tv, no one understands Malaysia and give me a break about
Micronezia. No one gives a shit if you're exterminated in Rwanda, Starving
in North Corea, malnourished in Pakistan or opressed in Indonesia. Law in
Afghanistan is a nice touristic souvineer, you'll be killed for a camel in
Mali, too many people have vanished in Turkish Cyprus, while on its other
end you can only get laid or married. Malta is too small, the Czech beauty
is only exposed to the world when they're fucked, Slovakia is waiting for
any occupying army to rape the women and send the men to labour duties,
Slovenia and Macedonia are no more than excuses for some more poor balkans
to chop eachothers' heads off. How bored can you be moving to the Arab
Emirates, how naive when expecting liberty in Liberia, better wait for
Iran to be fully democratic.
Norway is too oily, even if it's more cultural than Kuwait or Baharain.
Only move to Sweden if you withstand coffee as a national drink and
bananas as all the fresh tropical fruit you can bring over. Oman is no
longer a fascinating gate to the Indian ocean, now that it's also all
about importing cars and models for oil. Consider moving to Nigeria if
you're into diamond mining, head hunting & free AIDS. You can always apply
for a fascinating dynamic and challenging position in Senegal, Uganda,
Somalia or Kongo as an arms seller or a hitman or a whore.
Job opprutinities in Antarctica without a diploma aren't promising, if you
want to clean fish in Alaska you better bring a nanny with you, there are
not enough qualified secondary schoold in Lapland (unless you send your
kids to the Niels Holgersonn Goose Summer School high over Yurop). There's
a defficient ozone layer above Chille, horrible radioactive contamination
in Kazachstann, green algae all over Crete, sharks around Tasmania and
French nuclear tests on every decent spot in the Pacific. It will take New
Zealand another century to regain its pictorial spots documented in 'Lord
of the Rings', by then the Tamills may finally take over Sri Lanka.
Leave Papua for the Orang-Otans, Galapagus to the turtles and Maiorca to
the fucking tourists. You don't want to live in Ibiza, Hawaii eventually
implies melanoma, and the Romans knew very well why their internal rivals
shall be exiled to all these rocky islands in the meditarrenean. Madiera
is nothing a brand for wine. The Americans really don't want us to like
Lybia, Tunisia is just the graveyard of Cartagho, can't get a diploma on
AND THEN DENMARK looks as if someone has copied the southwestern part of
northern Israel, then pasted it with a terrain editor over and over again
to be saved us 'Den.mark'. Commercial Xmas trees plantations, free range
pig farms, evergreen forests and a blue blue baltic sea have then been
smeared in to cover up the mess. Just before putting it online this
annonymous editor has picked a red flag with two white stripes to signify
a hazy vision of some old drunk viking and a voila - the best country in
the world is now open for business.
You can raise your kids in modern, tolerant, socialist country while
having very good universities & cheap islands for sale. You can always go
hiking in Norway's fiords or raid the markets of Koln & London, just like
in the good old Viking days. In fact, Denmark looks like a place for
veteran Nordic warriors who just gave up fighting and got satisfied with
their own beautiful piece of land. Just like England would have looked
like hadn't it been occupied by stupid French knights for the past 936
years. But worry not lads, a millenium is not much in the history of
nations. Look at us - we're still reading every week the same old
five scrolls we wrote down about 2700 years ago, and we're still slowly
recovering from the bloody results of the crusades on the bright Arab
middle east of the 11th century.
Perhaps the middle east will also look like Scandinavia, once the oil is
over or efficient fuel cells devised, or the Husseini family crashing
their sports' car against the Edom mountains, giving the Palestenians the
chance to establish their long deserved country, and bringing an end to
all this senseless bloodshed.
As for myself, I'll probably move to Denmark once I finish my eternal
military service and my kids are mature enough to leave their kindergarten
friends and write emails. That will be around 2009, taking another year or
two to make enough money to buy a decent farmland or a private island in
under the Danish crown (part of the EU by then). How will I make all this
money? Well in a decent country there shouldn't be a problem for a ph.D.
with background in engineering and 6 years of experience, to get a decent
job even for two years. But until then we will keep getting smart bombs
from the USA, and Europe keeps on funding Arafaat's tactical missile
program, their ammuntion, TNT and salaries, then by 2009 I could only make
very good money by signing up even more to the army. And you call it
Anyways, if you read until here now is about the time to mention I had a
*fascinating* 5 hours meeting with Rabih Abou-Khalil. I will now use
Karine's tape to record the 3 hours of recorded conversation into MP3s so
you could listen in astonishment to a Labanese telling all about the
Syrian ruthless regime, the Egyptian stupidity, the American imperialism
and much deeper discussions about the origin of western and oriental music
and the nature of science and art.
The holiest day for the jews begins in about 21 hours, so I hope you'll
forgive me by then for all my stupid remarks and insults and whatever.
You can always come to the synagogue in Stokholm and finish me off. DON'T
CALL MY CELLULAR EVER ANYMORE, it is now sleeping with the
fish near the reichstagg since I'm so stupid.
מעבר להשמצות (הכל ברוח טובה) נראה לי שתרגיז הרבה אנשים בכך ששיבשת את שם ארצם/עמם.
כבר בכותרת יש שגיאה, אבל זו רק ההתחלה:
Copenhagn - Copenhagen
Portugeuse - Portuguese
Lichtenstein - Liechtenstein
Luxemburg - Luxembourg
Georgeans - Georgians
Chechnia - Chechenya
Palestenians - Palestinians
bedouines - Bedouins
Colmobia - Colomobia
Aquador - Equador
Madgascar - Madagascar
Aurugway - Uruguay
Corea - Korea
Zimbabowe - Zimbabwe
Ethiopea - Ethiopia
Carrebean - Caribbean
Tivoli - Tuvalo (.tv)
Micronezia - Micronesia
Baharain - Bahrain
Chille - Chile
Kazachstann - kazakhstan
Tamills - Tamils
Galapagus - Galapagos
Maiorca - Mallorca
Madiera - Madeira
meditarrenean - Mediterranean
Kindly forgive my ignorance. I thought Colombia is derived from Colombus and made a typo, but now you say his Greek nickname was Colomobus... I wonder what his real name was? Molocho?
And you're right - it's Kazakhstan, or even Khazakstan, because it's named after the Khazakim - a.k.a. the mighty Kozaks.
Maiorca - Read the last minute deals wrong, well I looked for Lisbon and failed to find any. Only Germans can call 'last minute station' a servicepoint where you sign up to trips to Mallorca leaving in a month and costing some 500$ instead of 1500$ if you book well in advance... Good luck finding any last minute flights to Europe in their airports... Only foreign companies would offer such connections. I flew with British Airways from Berlin to Munich for 98EUR including everything, for a flight that left an hour after buying the ticket, just because the same plane serviced American passengers continuing to their eversecure homeland on September 11. And it wasn't because of the day - I could get the same flight for 60EUR two days earlier had I been more decisive and willing to report to the airport by 05:15. So now you know how much did it cost me to reach Rabih Abou-Khalil in Munich, and you'll be ever more willing to tell me which MP3 recorder could be used to send Dubi et al the records of the interview. Right?
Anyways, if the Greek would be more strict about correct naming, we would still call the fertile delta of the Nila ee-kaftor and not Egypt, the ruins under Tunisia would have been called Karta-Hadata (new city) rather than Karthago (why didn't you correct that?), and the Romans will still call Barcelona after Hanibal's kin, Gadir rather than Cadiz and ee-Shfanim rather than Espania.
But the Romans called ruined Yehuda Palestine rather than Pleshet, creating a people out of thin air 2000 years later, so who am I to be judged?
Not to mention one Shaul guy, possibly from Tarshish or something, who heard about one Yeshua guy and made him a messhiach. Now we're stuck with a big concrete monument after him in Roma called Holy Shaul Church, which sounds like the perfect name for Mifgash Shaul in Tel Aviv. Who knows, maybe when the Schwarma becomes the flesh of Hesus they will stop mixing lamb with chicken (only with Peaguins and fish, yak)
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